Listening to connect is NOT a passive activity; good listeners are actively engaged. One of the most important characteristics of active listening is that we set aside our inclination to respond and instead put our energy towards ensuring the speaker’s words are fully received. This can look like a subtle difference from the outside, but inside, it is a profound difference. It gives the speaker the full amount of space they need to clarify their own thoughts or feelings and it is a gift to the listener of coming to understand another person more deeply.

There are many good books and workshops about Active listening, and I’ve provided a high level summary below as a set of reminders for listening sessions.

Ground yourself in the purpose of active listening, which is to:

• Fundamentally, to assist the speaker in clarifying their own thoughts and feelings
• To be a nurturing receiver and practice empathy
• To allow the speaker to “empty out” and feel heard, which makes space for a perspective shift
• To support the speaker in reducing their anxiety/upset, or validating their excitement/happiness.
• To gift the speaker with being centered in their experience

Adopt these attitudes to become a better Active Listener:

• Trust that this person will reach his/her own best outcome. (Love this for them)
• Remember that person is a hero in their own story. (They do not need fixing)
• Set aside your own agenda, opinions and judgements (This isn’t about you)
• Create a clear space for the speaker’s feelings to be expressed fully.
• Invite yourself to feel gratitude for the trust you are offered by the speaker. (This is belonging)
• Try this mantra: “I open myself to fully receive the beauty of this person.”

Active Listeners Do Not:

Argue – counterpoint – interpret – confront – project – assume – persuade – deflect